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Like Wife Swap, But Better. MAGAts Take Over democracy-ish


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[Ed. note: This episode, and this article, are works of satire. “Josh” and “Brittany” are the bizarro MAGA counterparts of Toure and Danielle Moodie.]


  • On this very special episode of democracy-ish, our hosts are on vacation and the show has been taken over by Josh and Brittany.

  • If you don’t know them, you should. They’re brave patriots in an America that cruelly silences those of us who want to Make America Great Again.

  • “Conservative voices are being canceled all over the place,” says Josh. “Not on this show. I'm glad Toure and Danielle stepped aside. We cancelled them this week. We're telling the truth for once.”


Finally!


It’s not a moment too soon. If you’ve been watching the lamestream news networks or reading the New York Times, you may not know this, but our country is under attack. Between the socialists and the coastal elites and Big Tech and anyone else who hates America, we’re adrift.


“It's been 112 days of this illegitimate Joe Biden presidency,” Josh points out. “This democracy is completely meaningless until the rightful President, Donald Trump, is restored.”


But there was a glimmer of hope this week when the GOP voted to strip Liz Cheney of her role as Chair of the House Republican Conference. And it was long overdue. It has been many months since Cheney got in bed with Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats by supporting the impeachment witch hunt.


So who are Josh and Brittany? Well, let’s start with what they’re not, which is concerned with identity politics.


“I'm not actually white, but, like, everybody in my family is white. So sometimes I feel like I am,” Josh says. “Sure, technically, I'm Black. But I grew up around so many white people.”


Brittany is Black, too –– “but I'm, like, Tim Scott Black. Candace Owens Black,” she says.


“And I don't consider you to be, like, Black–Black,” she tells Josh.


But back to the outrage in progress.


Episode Highlights –– MAGA-ish




For the love of Ivanka

We’re sure that’s a relief, because Josh is really hoping Ivanka talks to him next time he’s at Mar-a-Lago.


“Remember the time we were there and she came up to us, handed me her keys and said, can you park my car?” Josh asks.


“Oh, my god, that was so funny,” says Brittany. “She’s so super sweet. And she didn't mean anything by it. All of her drivers are Black. But that's because she's inclusive!”


And Josh definitely understands. Everyone needs help –– especially busy working moms like Ivanka, who’s truly a woman of the people. (Remember when she modeled with a can of Goya beans?)


Who doesn’t love the First Daughter? Brittany doesn’t understand why Ivanka gets so much criticism.


“When I see her, even from afar, I'm just like, Hello –– We’re breathing the same air,” she says, clutching her chest. “I cannot.”


Democracy-ish? More like democracy-esque, amirite?

Moving on from being reminded about the slight from Ivanka, Josh wants to talk about the news that matters now.


He is simply incensed by the criminals who stole the election from Trump, who will go down as the best American President since Lincoln. And treated just as unfairly.


“They were pulling ballots from under the table and out of the toilet and inside their jackets,” he notes. “They were cheating right in front of our eyes, and nobody's done anything about it. Liz Cheney is such a traitor. I'm so glad she was knocked off her perch.”


Brittany is surprised anyone can call our current government a democracy, considering “the socialist programs that this quote-unquote administration is trying to roll out. People are basically being paid to sit on their asses.”


She wonders: “Why would anybody go back to work when the government is just giving handouts left and right?”


Gaslit MAGA nation

Brittany doesn’t understand why people are lining up to get the vaccine. “We all know that it's filled with baby embryos and pigs’ blood,” she says.


“Why are we being forced to take a vaccine when COVID isn't even a real thing? Don't talk about what the media has told you. Tell me –– do you even know anybody who has COVID?” Josh asks.


“Nobody in my gated community has it,” Brittany replies. “We've been hanging out. I go to barbecues, I go on my friend's boats, and nothing. I don't even know what the media is talking about. We're being completely gaslit. This is crazy, in the same way they're trying to change the gender of Mr. Potato Head. If they can do that, of course they can lie to us about this virus.”


The whole COVID thing was manufactured by our beloved President Trump’s enemies, Josh argues.


“It was made up to make him look bad. It never existed. It was all a gigantic conspiracy between all the governments, media organizations and doctors in the world. They all got together and created a fake virus to get Donald Trump out of office, because he was doing such a good job. They knew we couldn't take any more of his victory … of him showing the world what a real leader looks like.”


Democracy on a hair trigger… of an AR-15

It’s truly Providence that led President Trump to the White House in the first place. Because as we all know, three million illegal aliens voted for Hillary in 2016.


How could that happen? Our lax voter-identification laws.


“If I have to show ID in order to buy Robittusin, I don't understand why people shouldn't be showing IDs in order to cast a vote,” says Brittany.


“Democrats are afraid of our real President, Donald Trump. They're afraid of the silent majority. They know how powerful our voices are.” Frankly, friends, we're locked and loaded and ready to take on whatever they throw our way,” she adds.


Josh perks up at that. “Talk about locked and loaded –– I have my AR-15 right here. I've never been attacked, but if it happens, I’m ready. It’s loaded. I have children here. They know how to use it just in case the government comes barging through the door to take our gun.”


Birthright –– or wrong turn? Show us the papers

The fact that federal agents are just waiting to seize Josh’s assault rifle is just one of the threats he faces on a daily basis from our corrupt government. For one thing, we don’t even know where our leaders are from.


“I look into Joe Biden’s sleepy eyes –– when he's awake. I look into Kamala Harris's beady eyes –– she's not from here, right?” he asks. “You think Barack Obama was from here? Kamala Harris is definitely not from here.”


She most definitely is not, Brittany replies. Even her name sounds foreign: “Come-uh--la-la-la,” she intones.


Josh isn’t sure Michelle Obama is American either. Why haven’t we seen her birth certificate?


But he does know one thing for sure: The Obamas, the Bidens, Kamala and whatever the fuck her husband’s name is want to trample on our freedoms, starting by forcing the vaccine on us. He knows it because he heard it with his own ears from the most trusted name in news, Tucker Carlson.


“They'll probably strap us all down and make us take it. And I don't even know what's in there,” Josh says in between bites of Chick-Fil-A® nuggets and Waffle Potato Fries®.


“It's so disgusting. This country's going down the tubes.”


Brittany agrees, nodding vigorously as she sips a Diet Coke®.


“Thank God for Tucker,” she says. “No one else is brave enough to speak truth to power the way he does.”


Tucker Carlson, bow-tied salt of the earth

Tucker Carlson is a national treasure. He always has his finger on the pulse of what America needs right now. Brittany is impressed by the way he constantly challenges “that race baiter on that other network –– MSNBC? That Joy lady, or whatever the hell her name is. I don't even know.”


Joy. “That's not even a real name, says Josh. “That's an emotion.”


Lately we seem to be inundated with all these weird, foreign names we can’t pronounce. Cam-Allah? Good lord. Is she from “Hawaii,” too?


“What happened to nice names like Brittany?” asks Josh.


“What’s wrong with their parents?” Brittany replies. “But anyway, Tucker is out here telling the truth. He is talking about how we need to be ripping the masks off of our children. For the love of God, who covers their child’s face with a mask? They're children. They're created perfectly, right out of the womb.”


Don’t get it twisted, though: “I don't want to give them health care or anything like that,” she adds. “Their parents should be able to afford it. And if they can't, that's their problem. But somebody needs to save these kids.”


The many faces of Fauci

What are parents supposed to do, asks Josh, when Dr. Anthony Fauci “changes his story, like, every hour?”


He never knows what the “good” doctor is going to say next.

“Now he's saying 12- and 15-year-olds can get vaccinated. I'm sure tomorrow, he'll say they should be wearing triple masks. Oh, please. He's probably paid by the Clinton Foundation.”


“Or George Soros,” Brittany points out. “I mean, we know where they get their money from, and it's all dirty, filthy liberalized money. They probably print it at Hillary Clinton's house in upstate New York, wherever she lives. She’s the devil.”


By the way, Josh heard that Hillary bought a new house.