Like Wife Swap, But Better. MAGAts Take Over democracy-ish
[Ed. note: This episode, and this article, are works of satire. “Josh” and “Brittany” are the bizarro MAGA counterparts of Toure and Danielle Moodie.]
On this very special episode of democracy-ish, our hosts are on vacation and the show has been taken over by Josh and Brittany.
If you don’t know them, you should. They’re brave patriots in an America that cruelly silences those of us who want to Make America Great Again.
“Conservative voices are being canceled all over the place,” says Josh. “Not on this show. I'm glad Toure and Danielle stepped aside. We cancelled them this week. We're telling the truth for once.”
It’s not a moment too soon. If you’ve been watching the lamestream news networks or reading the New York Times, you may not know this, but our country is under attack. Between the socialists and the coastal elites and Big Tech and anyone else who hates America, we’re adrift.
“It's been 112 days of this illegitimate Joe Biden presidency,” Josh points out. “This democracy is completely meaningless until the rightful President, Donald Trump, is restored.”
But there was a glimmer of hope this week when the GOP voted to strip Liz Cheney of her role as Chair of the House Republican Conference. And it was long overdue. It has been many months since Cheney got in bed with Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats by supporting the impeachment witch hunt.
So who are Josh and Brittany? Well, let’s start with what they’re not, which is concerned with identity politics.
“I'm not actually white, but, like, everybody in my family is white. So sometimes I feel like I am,” Josh says. “Sure, technically, I'm Black. But I grew up around so many white people.”
“And I don't consider you to be, like, Black–Black,” she tells Josh.
But back to the outrage in progress.
Episode Highlights –– MAGA-ish
For the love of Ivanka
We’re sure that’s a relief, because Josh is really hoping Ivanka talks to him next time he’s at Mar-a-Lago.
“Remember the time we were there and she came up to us, handed me her keys and said, can you park my car?” Josh asks.
“Oh, my god, that was so funny,” says Brittany. “She’s so super sweet. And she didn't mean anything by it. All of her drivers are Black. But that's because she's inclusive!”
And Josh definitely understands. Everyone needs help –– especially busy working moms like Ivanka, who’s truly a woman of the people. (Remember when she modeled with a can of Goya beans?)
Who doesn’t love the First Daughter? Brittany doesn’t understand why Ivanka gets so much criticism.
“When I see her, even from afar, I'm just like, Hello –– We’re breathing the same air,” she says, clutching her chest. “I cannot.”
Democracy-ish? More like democracy-esque, amirite?
Moving on from being reminded about the slight from Ivanka, Josh wants to talk about the news that matters now.
He is simply incensed by the criminals who stole the election from Trump, who will go down as the best American President since Lincoln. And treated just as unfairly.
“They were pulling ballots from under the table and out of the toilet and inside their jackets,” he notes. “They were cheating right in front of our eyes, and nobody's done anything about it. Liz Cheney is such a traitor. I'm so glad she was knocked off her perch.”
Brittany is surprised anyone can call our current government a democracy, considering “the socialist programs that this quote-unquote administration is trying to roll out. People are basically being paid to sit on their asses.”
She wonders: “Why would anybody go back to work when the government is just giving handouts left and right?”
Gaslit MAGA nation
Brittany doesn’t understand why people are lining up to get the vaccine. “We all know that it's filled with baby embryos and pigs’ blood,” she says.
“Why are we being forced to take a vaccine when COVID isn't even a real thing? Don't talk about what the media has told you. Tell me –– do you even know anybody who has COVID?” Josh asks.
“Nobody in my gated community has it,” Brittany replies. “We've been hanging out. I go to barbecues, I go on my friend's boats, and nothing. I don't even know what the media is talking about. We're being completely gaslit. This is crazy, in the same way they're trying to change the gender of Mr. Potato Head. If they can do that, of course they can lie to us about this virus.”
The whole COVID thing was manufactured by our beloved President Trump’s enemies, Josh argues.
“It was made up to make him look bad. It never existed. It was all a gigantic conspiracy between all the governments, media organizations and doctors in the world. They all got together and created a fake virus to get Donald Trump out of office, because he was doing such a good job. They knew we couldn't take any more of his victory … of him showing the world what a real leader looks like.”
Democracy on a hair trigger… of an AR-15
It’s truly Providence that led President Trump to the White House in the first place. Because as we all know, three million illegal aliens voted for Hillary in 2016.
How could that happen? Our lax voter-identification laws.
“If I have to show ID in order to buy Robittusin, I don't understand why people shouldn't be showing IDs in order to cast a vote,” says Brittany.
“Democrats are afraid of our real President, Donald Trump. They're afraid of the silent majority. They know how powerful our voices are.” Frankly, friends, we're locked and loaded and ready to take on whatever they throw our way,” she adds.
Josh perks up at that. “Talk about locked and loaded –– I have my AR-15 right here. I've never been attacked, but if it happens, I’m ready. It’s loaded. I have children here. They know how to use it just in case the government comes barging through the door to take our gun.”
Birthright –– or wrong turn? Show us the papers
The fact that federal agents are just waiting to seize Josh’s assault rifle is just one of the threats he faces on a daily basis from our corrupt government. For one thing, we don’t even know where our leaders are from.
“I look into Joe Biden’s sleepy eyes –– when he's awake. I look into Kamala Harris's beady eyes –– she's not from here, right?” he asks. “You think Barack Obama was from here? Kamala Harris is definitely not from here.”
She most definitely is not, Brittany replies. Even her name sounds foreign: “Come-uh--la-la-la,” she intones.
Josh isn’t sure Michelle Obama is American either. Why haven’t we seen her birth certificate?
But he does know one thing for sure: The Obamas, the Bidens, Kamala and whatever the fuck her husband’s name is want to trample on our freedoms, starting by forcing the vaccine on us. He knows it because he heard it with his own ears from the most trusted name in news, Tucker Carlson.
“They'll probably strap us all down and make us take it. And I don't even know what's in there,” Josh says in between bites of Chick-Fil-A® nuggets and Waffle Potato Fries®.
“It's so disgusting. This country's going down the tubes.”
Brittany agrees, nodding vigorously as she sips a Diet Coke®.
“Thank God for Tucker,” she says. “No one else is brave enough to speak truth to power the way he does.”
Tucker Carlson, bow-tied salt of the earth
Tucker Carlson is a national treasure. He always has his finger on the pulse of what America needs right now. Brittany is impressed by the way he constantly challenges “that race baiter on that other network –– MSNBC? That Joy lady, or whatever the hell her name is. I don't even know.”
Joy. “That's not even a real name, says Josh. “That's an emotion.”
Lately we seem to be inundated with all these weird, foreign names we can’t pronounce. Cam-Allah? Good lord. Is she from “Hawaii,” too?
“What happened to nice names like Brittany?” asks Josh.
“What’s wrong with their parents?” Brittany replies. “But anyway, Tucker is out here telling the truth. He is talking about how we need to be ripping the masks off of our children. For the love of God, who covers their child’s face with a mask? They're children. They're created perfectly, right out of the womb.”
Don’t get it twisted, though: “I don't want to give them health care or anything like that,” she adds. “Their parents should be able to afford it. And if they can't, that's their problem. But somebody needs to save these kids.”
The many faces of Fauci
What are parents supposed to do, asks Josh, when Dr. Anthony Fauci “changes his story, like, every hour?”
He never knows what the “good” doctor is going to say next.
“Now he's saying 12- and 15-year-olds can get vaccinated. I'm sure tomorrow, he'll say they should be wearing triple masks. Oh, please. He's probably paid by the Clinton Foundation.”
“Or George Soros,” Brittany points out. “I mean, we know where they get their money from, and it's all dirty, filthy liberalized money. They probably print it at Hillary Clinton's house in upstate New York, wherever she lives. She’s the devil.”
By the way, Josh heard that Hillary bought a new house.
“You know where it is? In Benghazi,” he says. “Very suspicious.”
Brittany isn’t surprised: “Suspicious –– as they all are.”
‘Bitch’ slap: Nancy and the Squad deserve it
Speaking of all things suss, Brit wants to circle back to the news of the week.
“Let’s talk more about that bitch Liz. And you know me –– I don't talk about women like that. But I mean, have you ever? She's standing up and saying we should either embrace the Constitution or the Big Lie. The biggest lie is that she's a Republican!”
“Talk about a RINO,” Josh says in agreement. “Oh my gosh. You don't call lots of people bitches. I mean, you called Nancy Pelosi a bitch. You called AOC a bitch––”
“I mean, but she is,” Brittany pipes in.
“You called Ilhan Omar a bitch,” Josh notes.
“I mean, I call women bitches when it’s due. And these women with their loud mouths and their whole Squad –– their whole mob is what I like to call it,” says Brittany.
Josh thinks they “should take their Squad down to the mall. Do some shopping and stay out of government.”
Exactly, says Brittany.
“Stay out of government. Stay in the kitchen. I mean, can they even cook? Are these even real women? This is what I want to know. And thank God for Fox News, asking all the right questions. Because we know censorship exists.”
‘Trans’? Fat chance. Let’s ‘drain the pool’
Here’s something you won’t hear on CNN: Josh isn’t even sure the Squad members are women. Think about it: How do we know for sure? (If only we could see their birth certificates.)
“They're so aggressive,” he says. “And think about all the trans girls who are taking over sports, like Serena Williams. Come on. Do you really think she's a girl?”
Brittany isn’t sure. But she knows how to handle all these so-called “trans” kids –– “exactly what we did during segregation,” she says. “Drain the fucking pools.”
When Josh was growing up in a gated community, “there were no trans people,” he says. (Shocker.)
“Where did they suddenly come from? Now we have trans people all over the place. They want to be in Congress. They want to be in sports. They want to be singing and acting. What's the matter with the body God gave you? Why do you have to go cutting things off and changing things?”
He thinks all of it is just a ploy to get attention.
“That –– and money,” says Brittany. “We know that these people are really rich anyway. So we know exactly what it is. It is a scam to get the government to pay for their hormones and whatever else they want.”
The hole truth about minimum wage (hold the shmear)
Brittany isn’t afraid of the liberal left, so here's the truth nobody wants to talk about: Democrats are a bunch of lazy mother-effers who don’t want to work. (You know what she means, gentle reader –– Brit just gets so excitable when she’s caffeinated.)
“Frankly, if you're poor, that's your problem,” she says. “It's probably because you didn't go to school. Or your dad didn't get you in.”
To those who aren’t that lucky, Brittany makes it clear that she does understand what it’s like to work at a low-level job. She shares a touching story about working at a bagel shop as a young woman.
“I was grounded,” she says. “So I had to work for minimum wage. I had to buy my own school books that year –– because oh my god, I totally got in trouble over the summer. Josh, you know the story. You were there.”
But now, the Dems are talking about raising the minimum wage –– “for what?” Brittany asks. “Dopey kids like me who get into trouble need to make $15 an hour? Give me a break. The lies they tell.”
Teat for tat
So many lies! And so little of those old-fashioned family values.
“Every time I look at my bank account, and it's dropped below six figures, I take my ATM card, put it into daddy's account, get some money and take care of everything,” says Josh. “Why can't everybody do that? And if your daddy can't pay for all your bills, then just ask your grandpa or something. What’s the big deal?”
It’s just pragmatism, really.
“I just don't get it,” says Brittany. “We keep letting these people into this country who, like, suck on the teat of America, and take up all the space, and then just complain. Look, if you don't like it here, leave. Because our people founded this place.”
Why don’t they? Because as Josh points out, there are 192 other countries.
“If you don't think America's perfect, you’re free to go and pick. That's why we're not communist Russia. We let you come and go as you please. Go to France or England. They speak the same language there.”
If you can't make something of yourself in these United States, this perfect union, there’s something wrong with you. Because as Josh notes, “if you can't go to a bank, get a $100,000 loan, go to your dad and his friends to get a couple million dollars, and make whatever idea that you want come to reality, then you're just a lazy person.”
Ice, ice, baby! Glaciers = cocktails
After all, it worked so well with Trump, he adds.
Josh is tired of politicians “who just run their mouths on a microphone and want to be in charge because they have ideas,” he says. “About what? Climate change? You know how cold it was yesterday?”
He wonders where this so-called crisis is actually happening, because he doesn’t see it where he lives. It’s not going on in his mother's neighborhood, either.
“I have no idea,” says Brittany. “But what I do know –– those videos of glaciers dropping off? I’m telling you, it's just something they have on a loop. It all looks the same up there anyway. So one little ice cube falls in the water. All of a sudden we're supposed to, what? Stop driving cars?”
Josh knows just what to do with that ice cube.
“Get a glass, get a tumbler, have a nice drink. More ice for me.”
Rising sea levels? We call it smooth sailing
Josh knows for certain there’s no climate problem because he can “go sailing whenever the fuck I want,” he explains.
“We took the catamaran out last weekend, off of Nantucket. It was a perfectly lovely Saturday afternoon. The wind was blowing. It was warm. Miguel was running the sails or whatever the f**k he does to keep it all going.”
Who can keep track of all those ropes and stuff, anyway?
We wouldn’t have any problems with employment, either, “if everybody had their own Miguel to take care of whatever they need,” he says.
“Everybody should have somebody who just does whatever icky stuff they don't want to do. The toilet's clogged –– call Miguel. Go to Whole Foods so we don't have to be around the masses –– call Miguel. It's just so easy.”
[Ed. note: Miguel called us and said to tell Josh to fuck off.]
The campaign kicks off: MAGA-ish forever
Like our former President, who was from Queens of all places, “we had to pull ourselves up from our Prada bootstraps at one point or another,” says Brittany. “That is just the American way.”
In that spirit, she and Josh hope the powers that be at DCP Media invite them back.
“MAGA-ish should be a thing,” Brittany says.
“This is so much better than like, oh my god, the conservatives are ruining America. I'm so hurt. I hate it here,” Josh says, mocking the male host of democracy-ish –– you know, the guy with no surname. (Who does he think he is? Cher? Madonna?)
“If you hate it here and think the country's going to hell in a handbasket,” Josh argues, “just f**king leave! Love it or leave it.”
That would be positively dreamy, says Brittany: “It would just make so much more space for us to build, so much more land to drill. My dad has like eight pipeline deals going on right now. And we have people protesting against them, chaining themselves and talking about free water. I mean, I think that's a cool t-shirt and all. I'm all about free water when I'm at Coachella, but not everything can be free.”
Josh knows that for sure. Let’s be real: Water is awesome.
“When I dive in it off the coast of Nantucket, and it's all warm … it feels nice,” he says.
Now, isn’t that something we can all relate to?
“Maybe Toure and Danielle will get stuck in Mexico and won't come back and we'll be able to keep this going,” Josh adds. “Because this is the truth America really needs to hear.”
Pray about it.
Check out the frustration, rage and absurdity that was the 2020 election on democracy-ishas Danielle Moodie and Toure discuss the current state of the political climate and our country from a Black perspective.